when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
