i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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