Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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