I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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