i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
