I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
