he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
