I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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