I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When did we convert life to cartoon?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
