Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
