My girlfriend figured out who you are.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
