did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
