i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
