you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
