remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize