hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
