My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
