In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
