I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
When are your genitals available?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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