The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
