Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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