Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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