u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
