Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
