I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
