My nipple is on Facebook.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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