Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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