I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
