Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
