You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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