Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
