My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
