tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
