Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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