I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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