If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
