i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just want to make out with him forever
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
