she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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