thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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