girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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