So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
