My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
