The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
