I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
