i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
