My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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