I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
