You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
