We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
