when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
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I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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