Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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