Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
