I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
