We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
