You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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