3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
