u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
