So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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