I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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