Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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