I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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