i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
